transgendersam:

sam pining after dean for so long but never saying anything and hes so scared hes being obvious but dean is SUPER OBTUSE and only finds out after sam has gotten hurt a whole bunch (later seasons)

and dean ruminates on it for a long time and starts watching sam a little more carefully and starts noticing all these other things–how sam barely eats and doesnt eat for a day after eating something sweet (as punishment? jesus christ sammy) and how he squeezes his palm if a stranger touches him or if someone says something nasty and meant to hurt or or or

theres so much and dean cant believe he missed it all and he feels like hes going to drown until he notices that sam has noticed him noticing. sam knows deans been watching him and dean can tell sam is thinking the absolute worst

so dean takes sam out to eat (somewhere nice and organic or whatever) and goes on a walk with him around the bunker and tells sam hes so sorry. and he doesnt want forgiveness he wants to get better. and he wants to be with sam. and yes hes serious. and sam doesnt say anything at first and gets up and leaves and dean lets him be for a while and when he finds sam in the library sams got these big wet eyes like hes a kid again and makes dean say it again. and dean says he wants to be with sam he wants to be with sam he wants to be with sam–

and, no, it doesnt get all better after that. not for a long time. theyre both so fucked up and sam is all cut up inside so bad and dean is bad at fixing it but hes learning. and their first kiss is something powerful even though sam acts like a frightened doe after, like dean will just fucking disappear now that sams gotten something he wanted but god damn it sam, you dont have to keep punishing yourself

and dean is so tender and careful during their first time and just constantly asks sam if hes hurting him and sam is so desperate and starved for it and maybe he believes a little now that dean will stick around but a part of him still wants to hold on as tightly as he can just in case it doesnt last, so sams the desperate, rougher one while dean is trying to be slow and loving, hes so awkward when it comes to talking but just maybe he can get through to sam like this, can show sam with his body that he loves him

it doesnt feel wrong or weird and talking about it actually feels good, after dean stops being so damn scared of it. and dean cant feel scared or hesitant at all when sam smiles again, god, when sams so beautiful like that. sam makes it all worth it