Tag: fuck

holdmesamthatwasbeautiful:

Dean is pale, and he stares at
Sam with a terrified expression all over his face. “I don’t understand,” he
says, his voice thick with distress, “I thought we – I thought you felt the same!”

Sam flinches before he snaps: “I
don’t! I, this, what we have – it’s
too fucking messed up, Dean, don’t you get that? I never wanted things to go
this far between us, it needs to stop.”

Dean’s eyes are wide and
glittering in the harsh lightning of the motel room. “God,” he whispers, “God,
I’m so sorry Sammy. I never meant to – I thought. All those things you said, I
thought you wanted this. We can stop, of course we can stop, but Sammy, please
don’t leave!”

“I want to,” Sam tells him dispassionately.
“I need. I need to get away from you, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes are brimming with
tears when he takes a step towards Sam. “Please,” he begs. “Sammy.”

“Don’t,” Sam says, his voice all
ice, “Come near me.”

Sam leaves Dean alone beneath the
ugly florescent light of the motel room.

When he reaches the parking lot,
John is there; leaning against the impala. His hands are shoved into his
pockets, and he regards Sam with a blank expression.

“Did you do as I say?” John asks
shortly. “Did you end it?”

Sam’s face is wet with tears. “Yeah,”
he confirms, his chest thick and aching with guilt. “Just please dad, please don’t punish him.”

John’s face is dark. “I won’t,”
he says stonily. “If you leave.”

Sam closes his eyes, feels his heart break, and nods.

It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

…A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of sh*t doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.

Ryan O’Connell (via thequotejournals)