Life update, mental health stuff. Actually some good news but I know everyone doesn’t want to read about personal stuff so read on if ya like.

I had a realization a few months ago that I wasn’t getting anywhere with my mental health. More specifically, the depression that had been taking a harder hold on my life than it had in a couple of years. I looked up services that my college offers, and knew that I should make a call. It has taken me close to a month of conveniently waiting til they were closed for the day, telling myself I’ll just call tomorrow, and then repeating that every day for weeks. Cause that would mean I’d have to face what what going on, that something was wrong and I wasn’t able to handle it myself. It’s not that I didn’t want to get help, I’ve imagined telling my best friends and my family a dozen times that I need help. But I could never actually do it, I really don’t know how to start that conversation. SPN has helped, AKF and Jared to be exact. I’m a little more open, I hint a little more that there might be something going on. Because Jared has said time and time again that there is no shame in needing help, no shame in getting support. So I’m willing to try. And after laying in bed literally all day today, watching the sun rise and set, watching the clock tick past the times I needed to leave to go to class, go past when I should be in class, I was done. I only got up cause I had to feed my horse, and I know I would feel worse and more guilty not going than how crappy it felt to even just get up. So something clicked, or possibly broke. I was just done watching my life past me by while I didn’t have the energy to do the work I needed to get the grades I know I’m possibly, keep up valuable friendships. 

And so I have an appointment Monday morning. It’s just the initial assessment, but it’s a step in the right direction. It’s a step I never thought I’d be strong enough to take. And I owe a lot of it to Jared. I want to do this in the hopes that he would be proud of me. I want to be able to tell him at pittcon  that I started this because he inspired me to, because he made me realize that it isn’t weakness to need help. Him saying a few cons ago that he hasn’t had a bad days in years made me realize the change my life could have. So here’s to that first step, whether it go well or not at least I was able to take it.